Marriage
“I
(husband) take thee (wife) to be my wife, to have and to hold, in
sickness and in death, for richer of for poorer, etc, etc, until
death do us part” It is a gallant pledge and says so much. Yet,
in today's society, it seems to mean so little. We even bring in
Scripture to validate and quantify the “pledge.” The
husband quotes Scripture and says, “If she would be a better
wife...” or “She won't submit...” and the wife
quotes Scripture and says, “There is neither male of female in
Christ.” or “The wife is only supposed ot submit to her
husband if he 'is in Christ.' or even worse takes a phrase from a
previous verse that specifically talks to church relationships and,
applying it to the verse that says “Wives submit to your own
husbands...” and qualifies it, saying, “submitting one to
another.”
We usually end up with a marriage that we hope
will work out and if it doesn't, oh well, we can always get a
divorce. Even worse is when we try to justify our decisions and say,
“Well, this isn't the marriage that God wanted for me in the
first place, so I need to get divorced so I can set it straight.”
I've actually seen a man divorce his wife, marry someone twenty years
younger and continue in the ministry while his wife married a younger
man and continued in the same ministry. Talk about a blemish on the
Name of Jesus! This ought not be! Is there any sanity to this thing
called marriage???
There are a number of contributing problems
and one of the main problems is the fast food society we live in. We
buy into something and if it doesn't “work out” we toss
it and look for another without any thought given to how to make it
work. We've gotten lazy and expect everything to be perfect out of
the box, and if it doesn't work as expected, well... we'll get
another. This is not what God had in mind and, to be quite honest,
never will match up with “...till death do we part.” in
any way, shape or form.
So, what ARE the problems and, more
importantly, how do we fix it?
One of the main
misunderstandings is commitment. When I am talking to people who are
getting married, I tell them right off the bat, that there are three
phases in love.
The first phase is infatuation. This is what
gets us in trouble in the first place. We look at this girl and she
is the hottest thing on earth. She looks at you and she's got the
same thing going on. It's a match. Neither one can do anything wrong
and it's a match made in heaven. And it's wonderful. She can't even
sneeze wrong. It's heaven on earth. There's only one problem...
people change.
The second phase is aggravation. This is when
you are woke up by the train that's going by and you realize that
there are no train tracks near your house and the sound is coming
from the other side of the bed. This is when you realize that this
petite, frail woman that you married has some ways that aren't quite
so petite. Nor are they frail. This is when you realize that maybe
your prince charming still wants to be the “prince” but
he ain't so charming. This is when you begin to realize “what”
you married and you probably got into something you didn't bargain
for and you begin to have thoughts like, “My Lord, what did I
get myself into???”.
The third phase is love. This is
when you realize that regardless of how he or she has “changed,”
you made a commitment and are going to see it through. This is when
you push past the things that drive you up a wall and push into
walking the walk that you agreed on in the first place. This is when
you begin to realize that those things that were so “cute”
are not as important as the qualities you are beginning to discover
as you get past the facade and start seeing the real and wonderful
creation that God gave you. And the third phase, you will find, is so
much better than the first.
But we have one very big
question... How do we get past that second phase??? How do we get
past the “I don't 'feel' like I'm 'in love'” anymore. It
must be over.”??? How do we get past the “this is
impossible” and get to the “can't live without her (or
him)”??? Is it worth the trouble? Can it ever work??? It's
easier than one might think. And it is definitely worth the journey.
Of course I've only been married for over forty-five years, so I
only have limited experience. I sometimes tell people, “We've
been married forty-five years... and we're still friends...” A
little tongue in cheek, but the point is simple. I don't want an
existence. I want a marriage. I want a friend that I can walk with
and talk with. Am I asking too much? I think not!
Definitions.
One
of the biggest problems that we face is in our definitions of some
basic words. The first word we have a problem with is love. We have
been sold this idea that love is an “uncontrollable feeling.”
Whether we are looking at movies, or ads or any number of influences
that we face every day, we see relationships found and/or based on
“that feeling.” But how do we differentiate “that
feeling” from the normal attraction of an otherwise good
relationship or friendship? We don't. So we fall for that “good
feeling,” giving up or stressing a relationship that should be
lasting a lifetime. Where did we go wrong? The biggest
misunderstanding that I have found is the simple definition of
“love.” What is it? Can it be defined? Do we have any
“control” over it or are we victims of wherever it takes
us???
Years ago, in the eighties, I was busy in ministry and
my wife wasn't “towing the line.” She was doing things
(or not doing things) that were driving me up a wall. I would say
something, but was met with excuses or ignored. Well. I felt like I
was being ignored. In any case, there were lives at stake. There was
a ministry as stake. And this “woman that God gave me”
wasn't “submitting” like she should be. As these
thoughts escalated in my mind, probably assisted by my fixation on
these 'issues,' I finally reached a breaking point. Carol was
sleeping and I was “studying” the Word (or looking for
ammunition in this battle) and I couldn't get past my fixation. I
said, “That's it!!!” and hit the road. I'm out of here.
Can't take no more. Can't minister when my house is out of order,
etc, etc, etc.
After driving miles down the road, with no
idea of where I was going and with no idea of what I would do when I
got there. The only thing on my mind being, “I'm DONE!!!”
I had a thought that stopped me in my tracks. “What am I
doing???” I come to the realization that my pride and my
feelings were ruling my life. I turned around and went back home. We
had already seen so many miracles and supernatural interventions, all
based on knowing that God means exactly what He says. Why would God
put me in this position of having an incredible ministry and having
this stubborn woman for a wife, this woman who couldn't get it
through her head that my word was law... SO... once more, back to the
Bible. I'm either gonna get her to line up or frustrate her so much
she'll get out of the way. Boy, was I in for a surprise. She wasn't
going anywhere and I would end up finding that there were just some
things that I stood on that were wrong. In a few words, I didn't
know what I was talking about.
A
touch of Moses
Before
we get too far into this, I'd like to take a quick look at Moses and
the Rock that followed him.
1 Corinthians 10:1-4 tells us, “For
I do not want you to be unaware, brethren, that our fathers were all
under the cloud and all passed through the sea; 2
and all were baptized into Moses in
the cloud and in the sea; 3
and all ate the same spiritual food;
4
and all drank the same spiritual
drink, for they were drinking from a spiritual rock which followed
them; and the rock was Christ.”
As Moses was leading
the nation through the wilderness, they got thirsty and started
whining, “Did you bring us all out here to die of thirst?”
Moses prayed and the Lord told him to take his rod and strike the
rock. Water came out, the people drank and everyone was happy.
(Exodus 17:1-7) Miles down the road, in Numbers 20, the people got
thirsty again and started whining about dying of thirst again.
In
Numbers 20:1-13 we have another instance of thirst. Moses names these
waters Meribah also, but it is another location. The first instance
was at Rephidim.
Here, in Numbers 20, they are at Kadesh.
We also know this is another event by 1 Cor 10:4 and also by the
instructions God gives Moses in Exodus. This time, Moses is in the
Tent of Meeting with Aaron and when Moses is praying for guidance on
what to do, God says, in verse eight, “"Take the rod; and
you and your brother Aaron assemble the congregation and speak to the
rock before their eyes, that it may yield its water. You shall thus
bring forth water for them out of the rock and let the congregation
and their beasts drink." Moses take the rod and goes out to the
rock and strikes it twice with his rod. “Then Moses lifted up
his hand and struck the rock twice with his rod; and water came forth
abundantly, and the congregation and their beasts drank.”
Exodus 20:11. God reprimanded Moses for not following instructions
and striking the rock and because Moses didn't follow the exact
instructions that he received from the Lord, he was told that because
he didn't reverence God, Moses was forbidden entry into the promised
land.
What's the big deal??? Moses prayed. God agreed to
bring water. Moses may have hit the rock instead of speaking to it,
but hey, the people got water and it all turned out good, right?
Sure, Moses was a little human, but why was God so upset? And why was
the punishment so severe??? In order to see the full significance of
this, we need to think about what happened and about this Rock that
followed them, which was Christ... and about what God was so upset
about.
This event was yet another picture of Christ being
foreshadowed. When Moses struck the rock twice, it spoiled the
picture God wanted shown. The first time at the rock, Moses was told
to strike the rock and it brought forth water. The second time, he
was told to take the rod and speak to the rock. Where were they? They
were in the tent of meeting. What rod? Moses'? No, the rod that was
in the tent of meeting was the rod of Aaron, the one that budded with
life, the rod of mercy that was in the ark. Moses did take the rod
and go to the rock, but when he got there, Moses hit the rock with
his rod, not the rod that was in the tent of meeting. His rod was the
rod of judgment.
The issue was the picture. The rock had
already been struck. Once struck, the rock only needed to be spoken
to through the rod of mercy. Christ was struck by the rod of judgment
once for all the sins of mankind. He never needed to be struck again.
He only needs to be spoken to through the rod of mercy. When Moses
struck the rock, he destroyed the picture God was wanting to
show.
Marriage is a picture of Christ and the church. Just
because something gets the end result does not mean it was done
right. The end result, done right, is not necessarily existing
together in a marriage for life. It is a lifetime of showing the
world a picture of Christ and the church through our marriage.
As
I started researching this thing call marriage, I realized that the
we, as a whole, have no real handle on three very important and life
affecting definitions... Love, leadership and submission.
The
deeper I got into the Word of God, the more I realized that we have a
lot of definitions that aren't even close to what God thinks. I guess
we would rather lean on our understanding rather than to trust God's.
Excuse me for being blunt, but there is only one word for that...
dumb! Well, maybe there's another word... stupid. I want God's
heart... not my explanation. So, let's look at these three
words...
Love
Love
is probably the most misunderstood as regards a “definition,”
and the misunderstanding is probably fed by unreal expectations and
the worldly idea that we “fall in love.” If we “fall
in love,” can't we just as easily “fall out of love?”
Doesn't the “game” of love become nothing more than a
throw of the dice, and if the dice fall right, we might have a go at
a “marriage?”. Our definition of love drastically changes
when we consider God's love, though. “For God so loved the
world that He gave His only begotten Son...” Are we that cute?
Are our personalities so magnetic that God just couldn't help Himself
and He just “fell” for us? Or maybe we so impressed Him
with our actions that He just couldn't help Himself? Or... well,
maybe not. Maybe there is something much more to this “love”
than we, in our finite minds can imagine.
When I came back to
the house after my “great escape” I started delving into
what Scripture says about marriage. Since I couldn't control Carol's
thoughts and actions, maybe I ought to check out what God says and
thinks about the matter. “Wives submit to your husbands...”
Surely that is some “ammo.” Then I read that the older
women are supposed to teach the younger women “how” to
love their husbands. Of course, most men don't think that they would
need instruction there, but still, since Carol didn't have any such
instruction, maybe that could be an excuse. But what am I supposed to
do with what I considered a “rebellious” wife. All I
could find was things like 1 Peter 3:7, “You husbands in the
same way, live with your wives in an understanding manner...”
and Colossians 3:19, “Husbands, love your wives and do not be
embittered against them.” So, I guess I'm supposed to be
understanding with her and I'm supposed to love her, but why would
Paul add “and do not be embittered against them.”? Unless
there was a really good possibility that I could so dwell on her
“shortcomings” that I could actually get bitter. or
there
really is nothing new under the sun and people in the first century
had the same types of issues that we have today.
A little side
note on bitterness: Hebrews 12:15 tells me, “See
to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no
root of bitterness springing
up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled;” A root springing
up tells me that this bitterness can be deep seated and spring up. It
also tells me that when it springs up, it can defile many. I was in
the business of healing many, not defiling many. And what about the
beginning of the verse? Could I actually fall short of the Grace of
God if I allow this “root” to take hold? Maybe this is an
important issue to pay attention to... or at least think about. Maybe
this thought is too deep and we need to bet back to “love.”
There
was one Scripture that really kind of nailed me. Ephesians 5:25 tells
us, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the
church and gave Himself up for her.” Wait a minute... All I
have to do is love my wife like Christ loves me? Then I realized...
I'm in trouble. So, lets start with the obvious question. Why did He
love the church? He chose to. What did the church do to deserve the
kind of love that would take Jesus to the Cross? Absolutely nothing.
What happens if I don't listen to Him? He still loves me. What
happens if I don't “live up to His “expectations?”
He still loves me. What happens if I get angry with Him because He
doesn't see things the way I do? He still loves me. What happens if I
get testy and whinny and become a proverbial pain? He loves me! If we
are looking for reasons to love our wives, this isn't helping too
much, is it? Why does He love me anyway??? He chose to. He chose to
love me. He chose to die for me. He chose to raise from the dead for
me. He chose to welcome me when this thick-headed and stubborn man
realized that His love is unshakable. His love is unconditional,
period. And why do I love Him? Because he first loved me.
I
realized that “love” is not a feeling of emotion. It is a
choice. It is a commitment. And How can He just tell me, “Morrie,
love your wife, as I loved you?” unless... unless it is a
decision that I can make. Maybe, just maybe, when she is grumpy or
obstinate or just flat stubborn... Wait a minute! I've been grumpy a
few times. And there's been times that I've been obstinate. I've even
been stubborn more than once... And He never stopped loving me. Maybe
it's up to me to honor my commitment and love her, even through times
that she may not be that lovable. The results of that choice are
phenomenal, but let's go on...
Leadership.
There seems to be no disputing that there is an order in the
household. Having found what I did on love, though, how am I supposed
to “establish” this order. Just before telling the
husbands to love their wives, just as Christ loved the church, Paul
says in Ephesians 5:22-24, “Wives,
be
subject to
your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23
For the husband is the head of the
wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being
the Savior of the body. 24
But as the church is subject to
Christ, so also the wives ought
to be to their
husbands in everything.” So, let me get this straight. I'm
supposed to be the head just like Christ is the head of the church.
What if she refuses to be “led?”
In all fairness,
many circles say that verse twenty-one applies to the husband and
wife. Other circles believe that verse twenty-one applies to the
previous verses that deal with church relationships. Yet others say
that since we are all in Christ's church, it applies to both. Those
who say it applies to the husband and wife either miss or dismiss the
word that joins it to the previous verses. Verse twenty-one starts
with the simple word “and,” which joins it to the
previous verse and even makes it part of the same sentence as the
previous verse. Those who say it applies to all miss the point of
order. If we are to dismiss order in favor of an interpretation, I
suggest that the next time your pastor is preaching his sermon, that
you just walk up to the pulpit and take over... and see how well it
is received. You might say that the order of the church is an
entirely different issue, but I would say that clearly stated order
is not. Why would Paul even bother specifying household order if it
didn't matter? But, that being said, if I'm going to be serious
about being the head of my household... I got problems. But wait a
minute. I got a clue.... If I am supposed
to be the head of the wife like Christ is the head of the church,
maybe all I have to do s be more Christ-like. But then, doesn't other
Scripture teach us all that? And aren't we told in 1 Cor 2:16 that we
“have the mind of Christ?” And if I am to be the leader
of my household and “lead” my wife, all I have to do is
figure out how Christ leads the church.
Now, one city that we
lived in actually had a law on the books that said that a husband
could only beat his wife once a week and he could only use a rod no
bigger than his little finger. There's only one problem there. It
might help a man think he is in charge, but that would only produce a
slave, either a submissive slave or, if she is really stubborn, a
runaway slave. Besides, I don't sleep will with one eye open and she
knows where I sleep, so I guess that wouldn't work to well. Besides,
I don't fit in with the “beater” type anyway. More
importantly, how can I love her like Christ loves me while I'm
beating her into submission? No... that won't work. Maybe I could
just browbeat her into submission... No, all that does is breed
resentment. That won't work either. Do I have an impossible task???
or is there something more. Maybe there is another option. Maybe I
ought to look at how Christ leads me.
What
does Jesus do when I get “out of line?” How does he “set
me straight?” And when He slaps me upside the head??? oh wait,
He doesn't slap me around, does He? But He does speak to me... and do
I listen??? What if I don't??? And if I do listen... why??? There has
to be a key here somewhere!
Actually, He is more patient with
me than I could ever imagine. But wait a minute, isn't patience one
of the qualities of that other word that is misunderstood, love? He
is patient with me. He is kind to me. He isn't arrogant toward me. He
doesn't count how many mistakes I make. He doesn't even get defensive
when I'm upset. Gee, that sounds familiar. Actually 1 Corinthians
13:4-8 tells me exactly what love is, “Love
is patient, love is kind and
is not
jealous; love does not brag and
is not
arrogant, 5
does not act unbecomingly; it does
not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong
suffered,
6
does not rejoice in unrighteousness,
but rejoices with the truth; 7
bears all things, believes all
things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8
Love never fails; but if there
are gifts of prophecy,
they will be done away; if there
are tongues,
they will cease; if there
is knowledge, it
will be done away.” Love simply never fails. And He has never
failed me yet. All I have to do is realize that I can hope all I want
and even have all the faith in the world, but love is the key. 1
Corinthians 13:13 summarizes the love chapter with, “But now
faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is
love.” All I have to do is walk in love and lead my wife with …
love. What a concept!
When I realize the unconditional nature
of real love and choose to love my wife the way my Jesus loves me,
unconditionally... When I choose to take the responsibility of
leading my wife like Christ leads me... in love... something
absolutely amazing happens. Her heart is turned toward her husband.
Gee, that sounds familiar, doesn't it??? We love Him because He first
loved us. Maybe I ought to follow His example and not my so called
“solutions.”
Submission
“Wives
submit to your own husbands, in the Lord.” “Submit”
has been the subject of so many twists of Scripture and I heard so
many women explain to me what it is. What I usually hear is willing
ignorance of Scripture or explaining away of what is actually quite
clear. They feel like it makes them a second class citizen and, by
golly, they ain't having none of that. So, they take some verses out
of context and others, they explain away while they try to lay hold
of promises in other Scriptures by dissecting the verse word for
word, often taking it even farther from its actual meaning. Why???
Well, a lot of times they are standing up against what is
actually not right or even Scriptural, but all they are doing is
gathering ammunition instead of finding solutions. Then they blame
the failed marriage on “that husband who just wouldn't submit
to Christ.” Let me toss in a news flash here. Jesus loves that
aggravating and mean husband just as much as he loves the rebellious
and mean wife. Maybe we ought to look for another solution.
First,
let me say this. Submission, like I said earlier, is one of the most
misunderstood Scriptural words in the Bible. We think it is walking
behind the husband and jumping when he barks or following his
instructions verbatim and in the exact way he says them, not doing
anything unless he says its okay... and so much more. We quote the
Scripture that says “Wives submit to your husbands...”
and then we quote Proverbs 31. Has anyone really considered that our
idea of “submission” and the woman of Proverbs 31 don't
seem to be the same thing??? This proverbs woman is almost an
activist.
Also, it's good to point out that the submissive
wife can win over her husband to the Lord. How can I say that when so
many husbands want their wives to submit to ungodly activities?
Submission does not mean blind obedience. The only One we should
blindly obey is Christ. But there is a way to follow Christ without
rebelling against God's order. It begins like anything else that is
worth anything, in the heart. When the woman's heart is toward her
husband and yet, she cannot yield to ungodly things or activities, it
becomes obvious to him. He will either be brought to the point of
seeing something in her that changes his life or he, as the
unbelieving husband” will leave, in which case the wife is not
bound.
Relay General Haig...
While we were stationed in
Germany, we were joined with a fellowship in Stuttgart. The
commanding general invited the entire fellowship to his house for
Thanksgiving dinner. I personally watched as this general went up to
every person, private, civilian, spouse, whatever and asked each one
if there was anything that he could get for them, if they had enough
or if he could get them another late. I was amazed at the extent of
the hospitality and commented to one of the staff that it must have
been quite an undertaking to fix all this food and make all these
preparations. He responded to me, “No sir. It was no trouble at
all for us. The general insisted on fixing everything himself. What
affected this man so much? He was in charge of US Army Europe. He
could have snapped his fingers and had anything done, but he had to
do everything because it was for these people and he didn't even come
to the fellowship. Yet, he insisted on making all the preparations
himself.
Well, he didn't come to the fellowship, but his wife
did. She had been going through depression and had found Jesus. He
was so grateful for the change that h saw in his wife that he just
wanted to say, “Thank you!” the only way he knew how. He
showed his appreciation with action. We had even seen this General
walk into the commissary and see a woman looking for milk. He saw the
shelf was empty and could have barked out an order and everyone in
the commissary would have jumped. He could have “Got it
done!!!” No, he walked around to the back and stocked the self
himself. What changed that man??? No one can tell me that a
submissive wife can't change her husband!!! I've seen it work.
When
I discovered that I needed to lead my household in love, not push my
wife with a whip, as I said earlier, something amazing happened. Her
heart was turned back to her husband. She started being the
“submissive” wife. We found that as we walk together with
Christ, He can speak to her as well as me. If we don't hear the same
thing, we can pray about it. If she is bull-headed and refuses to
hear what I hear, I can pray for her... but there is a problem. I'm
not Christ. I'm a human. So, when I pray for God to “straighten
her out,” I've learned to listen. I might be the one who needs
to be lined out. Likewise, when I don't hear what she feels she
heard, she has learned to simply pray and walk with me anyway. She
knows that God will honor her respect for His order and will either
show her why I've taken a particular stand (line her out) or He will
speak to her husband and open his heart (line me out). We've learned
that it doesn't matter much which. What matters is US hearing the
Lord.
I also found that submission isn't an act of hopeless
surrender. It is an attitude of the heart. I don't have a servant or
a house maid. I have a wife, for better of worse, for richer or
poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do we part. I have
found a partner that I can't live without and have watched a
wonderful woman of God blossom before my eyes. How did all this
happen? It just happens when we trust God and believe He knew what He
was doing when He inspired the Bible. All I did was discover that if
I am to lead my wife as Christ leads the church, it that leading must
be rooted in love. And if I am to love my wife as Christ loves the
church, that love must be unconditional. And the result has been that
I have found an excellent wife. Who needs a maid when you have a
partner? .